NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
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I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.