How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
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When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Mood.. 😂
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..