I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
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“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
*puts my mental health in rice
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Help Wanted
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.