Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
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I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…