Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
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My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Received some very disappointing news today
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this