馃ぃ
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Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i鈥檓 a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
My friend says her Dr told her she鈥檚 underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she鈥檚 got a Coke habit.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I鈥檓 a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
What鈥檚 good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Stop putting words in my mouth. That鈥檚 were I keep my feet.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 馃檨
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.