Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
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Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what