i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
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Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*