me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
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This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather