Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
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daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Pat is about to own someone
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
❤️❤️❤️
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger