*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
You Might Also Like
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Fluff me with a fork baby