Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
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Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
🤣
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold