2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
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When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Come back with a warrant
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol