how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
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Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Pronouncing “driest” like priest