my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
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I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.