To clean up or just move. This is the question.
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[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
some things should go without saying
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder