Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
You Might Also Like
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.