If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
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Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Its true…
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Cause of death: Zumba
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.