I’d rather go liquor treating.
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We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.