I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
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Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.