@ProdigyNelson: *girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
*I start building a deck*
"what have you done"
*grill turns itself on*
@ProdigyNelson: Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
@ProdigyNelson: Doctor: we saved your dad but he's part owl now
Son: Dad it's me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Her: omg don't stop
Me: what was that?
Her: *sighs* Simon says don't stop
@ProdigyNelson: Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Lawyer: spell "ICUP"
Judge: *softly* omg
@ProdigyNelson: Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
@ProdigyNelson: Her: when you said "magical in bed" this isn't exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Me: *ok don't let her know I'm a bull*
Her: "so what are some red flags for you?"
Me: *sweating* "haha red flags? Where?"
@ProdigyNelson: [1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya