Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ProdigyNelson's best tweets

@ProdigyNelson : Bouncer: ID please Me: I got socks for Christmas Bouncer: …okay Me: and I'm genuinely happy about it Bouncer: so sorry come on in

@ProdigyNelson: *girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
"oh no"
*I start building a deck*
"what have you done"
*grill turns itself on*

@ProdigyNelson: Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

@ProdigyNelson: Doctor: we saved your dad but he's part owl now
Son: Dad it's me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

@ProdigyNelson: [bedroom]
Her: omg don't stop
Me: what was that?
Her: *sighs* Simon says don't stop

@ProdigyNelson: Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell "ICUP"
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

@ProdigyNelson: Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

@ProdigyNelson: Her: when you said "magical in bed" this isn't exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

@ProdigyNelson: [date]
Me: *ok don't let her know I'm a bull*
Her: "so what are some red flags for you?"
Me: *sweating* "haha red flags? Where?"

@ProdigyNelson: [1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya