CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
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why I oughta
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.