Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
When he asks for feet pics
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.