can’t talk my ride’s here
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No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”