[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
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[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.