The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
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The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
jesus, what did this guy do
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie