WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”