Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
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ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.