Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
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When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Whoa 😂
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.