Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
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The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”