Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
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“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes