My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
CDC??? I’m only still getting used to Blu-ray!
Shoulda, woulda, barracuda…
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Toilet paper suggests the existence of toilet rock and toilet scissors.