Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
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I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert