If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
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“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.