@Quartzjixler

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

@Quartzjixler

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

@Quartzjixler

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

@Quartzjixler

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

@Quartzjixler

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

@Quartzjixler

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

@Quartzjixler

I forget real people’s names immediately after being introduced but I remember the Scooby-Doo gang’s names are Fred Jones, Shaggy Rogers, Daphne Blake, and Velma Dinkley.

@Quartzjixler

First you tried to absorb volcanos and earthquakes into your weather reporting and now you’re trying to do the same with COVID-19. Stay in your lane, Weather Channel.

@Quartzjixler

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

@Quartzjixler

COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.