Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
You Might Also Like
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
*offers Batman cough drops*
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
this chia pet tastes awful
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
me doing my best
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time