[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
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I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.