Watching a birth is beautiful.
Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” will get you arrested.
She died doing what she loved best, making toast in the bathtub.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Except marriage, marriage will kill you.
Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.
I like my women like I like my golf scores, in the 80’s with a slight handicap.
“I’m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back.”
—-people in wheelchairs probably
Me: This chicken is undercooked.
Wife: You don’t appreciate my cooking.
Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.