[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
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sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.