I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
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“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
🤣
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above