[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
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Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?