Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
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[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I hate everything
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe