There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
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Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
They did not think through this water fountain
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
what could possibly go wrong?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.