*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
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For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream