I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
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Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.