Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
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From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
You had me at “define legal”.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.