“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?