A gag order but for people that go “ahhhh” after every sip of coffee.
A house spider is just a regular spider except it walks with a limp and has a pill habit.
Fairly certain this toddler staring at me across this waiting room wants to start some shit.
My dog can’t hear me when I yell at him to stop chewing on my flip flop but he can hear the crinkle of the Dorito bag from 3 counties over.
If Target didn’t want anyone singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” into a hairbrush they shouldn’t have it playing over the store intercom.
Damn girl, are you an appendix because I have no idea what you do but this weird feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.