Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
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[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire