On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
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Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
oh you wanna fight?!
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.