no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
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An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao